BB, Endo

A Letter To My Old Self (The girl stuck in an 18-month-long Endometriosis flare)

My darling,

My heart breaks for you.

You’re stuck in a deep dark shit hole and no-one is helping you – I hear you and you’re right.

You’ve been failed by government systems that you’ve sacrificed a third of your pay for your entire life – I hear you and I know it’s frankly, fucked up.

Your health spiralled with no warning, leaving you to live like a prisoner of your own body for an entire year – I hear you and your pain is real.

You’re left to do all the research yourself and then educate the medical professionals who are supposed to help you – I hear you and I know it’s so frustrating, it could drive a priest insane. 

You don’t have the right support from the people you feel should be supporting you – I hear you and see your loneliness.

My darling, I know how hard your life has become. 
I know it’s unfair and cruel and feels fucking imposibleeeeee.
But, know you are NOT alone.

You are worthy of life.
You are worthy of happiness.
Most of all, you are worthy of good health.

This year will give you space to reflect on everything and re-think your entire life.
As terrifying as it sounds, (and may feel at times), know you are in full control of who you become – always.

There’s no hard struggle you haven’t been through that hasn’t changed you into a better human.

If you’re thinking this is hardest thing you’ve gone through – you’re right, it is.
We’ve been through some shit girl, but this is it.
Yes, you ARE being tested but YES, you WILL MAKE IT THROUGH IT ALL.

You are apart of this world even when you can’t actively feel apart of it.
You are not invisible, your pain is real, your unfair treatment is real and it WILL GET BETTER.

Also, Centrelink IS coming. YES you have been screwed around and YES you will eventually get someone who will help you – just leave it for now though. You’ve slipped through the system and unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about it. You are fighting a losing battle trying to fix it from your end.
Know justice will come and you will be paid EVERYTHING you are owed at the most PERFECT time. Try to be patient.

You will feel like you should spend your money on things that other people probably expect you to. 
These people also don’t understand what it’s like to have pain so bad you’re house-bound. 

You will end up spending it on finally making your home feel like a happy, homey place, as well as your health – and you won’t regret it. 

As long as you continue to live your life peacefully, with respect and compassion to others, know you don’t owe ANYONE any explanations for the choices you make. 

However, you also need to know that YOU have to make changes on the outside, for changes to start happening on the inside.
You and ONLY YOU have this power.

I don’t want to lift you up before I knock you down, so please be prepared for a trigger warning, I’m going to throw some hard truths at you. 

They might be hard to hear, but I also know how sick-to-death you are of not being given the respect of just having someone give it to you straight.

(Remember though, this letter isn’t going anywhere, so feel free to take some time and reflect on something for a while if you do get triggered)

So, here it goes:

  1. You’re absolutely right when you think no one is coming to save you.
    But think for a minute – has anyone ever?
    You’ve done it all yourself, and each time it’s shaped you into a more compassionate, understanding and loving human.
    The only difference with this is – it’s a lot harder than anything you’ve ever experienced. Which also means you’re going to go through one of the biggest changes and periods of growth than ever before.
    In fact, I can tell you right now that in a few months time, you won’t have feelings of depression and frustration when you think about the obtuse medical staff that have caused you so much grief. Instead, you will feel a sense of pride, strength and compassion for their lack of understanding and willingness to educate themselves.
  2. If you believe in the power of the universe, (it may not feel like it right now, but deep down you do), you must also understand that it does not treat those kindly who are not appreciative of all that is given to them.
    You have drinkable, (kind-of, read the remedies below) and instantly warm, water on-tap, electricity with the flick of a switch, shelter every night, (and stop stressing, you aren’t losing it any time soon) clean clothes in your drawers, food in the fridge, and Vinnies when you don’t.
    Learn to appreciate these things in the hard times, and the universe will take care of you.
  3. The Mirena is going to fail, and although you won’t regret it – you’ll have to learn the hard way that only you know your body best. It will nearly kill you, but as long as you don’t do any crazy exercise and get it removed BEFORE 6 weeks – you’ll be fine, (and don’t worry, you do).
  4. There will be a doctor who won’t believe you about the Mirena and make it IMPOSSIBLE for paramedics to treat you in the future.
    Don’t feel like you need to take action on it right away, (it’s almost a year later and we still haven’t yet). There are lessons you need to learn and things you need to realise before you take this on. You’re way out of your depth and you simply aren’t that powerful to change government systems on your own anyway.
  5. After you’ve had surgery and the Mirena is removed, you will have a TONE of relief, but still not back to where you need to be. You will realise a lot of this is mental – when you’re ready.
  6. Don’t have a sense of purpose? CREATE ONE!
    You are going to use all these experiences one day to build a platform and help people who are in a similar boat – and it might just be your purpose in life. Which brings me to my next point…
  7. Everything happens for a reason, and it’s completely ok to not understand it right now.
    Which brings me to my final point….
  8. Work on your self-love and your spirituality.
    Once you learn the worth of protecting your heart and soul – you’ll actively learn skills to do so and become an incredible, indestructible force.

There are some Remedies that can help and you must start ASAP. 

Read through the full list you created in the future, My Remedies (note, you’re about to change it up and add more, so try not to be self-critical) and find the list on Instagram to keep handy for your next shop.

So, if I still have you and you’re ready to start taking control of your life again, I’ve made a list of things you can easily watch/listen to from bed and keep you distracted from your pain.

I hope I haven’t triggered you too much.

The biggest thing you can take away from this is you CAN take your power back.
As soon as you do, things will, (slowly) get better and better every day. 

Love yourself. 

Love, BB (the future you) xx

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